Mary was a devoted mother. She helped every week in the school canteen and classroom, sewed all the uniforms for her children’s sports teams, ensured her children had music, sport and art lessons, was always the one doing school pick up for other mothers and the first person to host or organize any activity that needed to happen.

She came to see me after she had had two months of severe bronchitis and lost her job. Mary didn’t have any savings buffer and was now facing eviction from her rental home. She had been shocked to find that, even while ill, others were still contacting her to ask her to pick up and drop their children at school.

Mary needed the 3 vows.  Here they are for you:

VOW ONE: I WILL NEVER DAMAGE MY HEALTH AND HAPPINESS TO DO FOR OTHERS. I WILL ONLY DO WHAT I CAN MANAGE.

This vow is based on the wisdom that every mother has enough energy to live sanely and well IF she will set limits and let go of things that don’t really matter.

It is based on knowing that life has its ups and downs and every mother must leave enough energy to be able to act on her own behalf in the difficult times.

Keep your walls strong and high.

If a mother drains her health and happiness to do what works for others she is then dependent on the charity and goodwill of other people who may, or may not, come through. This is not a safe position. The mother is the child’s safe place and refuge. If she dismantles her own walls to build castles for others then misfortune can easily overrun her own family life and destroy the refuge.

We need to resist people who have expectations that push us past our own limits. This can be the well meaning friend who wants you to do boot camp training with her, the Aunt who insists that you garden together on a Wednesday, the Mother-in-Law who thinks you should be eating organic food, the woman at school who wants your help on the canteen, the boss who thinks you should take on a new role etc. etc. It can be as innocuous as a friend wanting you to host a Tupperware party or as under-handed as the colleague who has you do all the hard bits of their job for them.

Vow 1 can be supported by asking a few simple questions:

1. How will doing this affect my capacity to cope with my current workload as a mother?

2. Does this feel like a joy that lightens my load or a task that adds to it?

3. If I think about doing this for a long time how do I feel?

Vow never to be pushed past your own limits of health, happiness and wellbeing and then don’t worry what others think of those limits.

Others may underestimate your capacity in the workplace because of your double workload but your children will know your strength.

SECOND VOW: I WILL NEVER DO ANYTHING THAT COMPROMISES MY FAMILY’S SENSE OF SAFETY AND PEACE IN THE HOME.

If we are rushed and manic most of our communication within our family becomes angry commands and directives – the type of communication that we would never accept from anyone else: “Hurry up!” “Why haven’t you done that yet!” “We don’t have time for that!”

At ease soldier!

Once upon a time this level of harassment was reserved for Football coaches and Navy Seal commanders! Now it infiltrates our homes, “Stop mucking about!” “Get moving soldier!” “You idiot! Get a move on!” “Get your act together!”

The tone of the order and the level of anger that accompanies it is very damaging. Whenever our communication becomes primarily directives the relationship is damaged. Children begin to pull away from us emotionally because they expect communication to be a demand, a command or a complaint. They begin to experience family life as harassing rather than as peaceful. The home environment becomes a tense place where no-one can truly relax and enjoy being together.

The sense of safety and peace in the home is the most powerful asset you have. Protect it.

THIRD VOW: I WILL NEVER COMPROMISE MY FINANCIAL SAFETY OR MY ABILITY TO TAKE CARE OF MY OWN FAMILY.

In the 21st century women are expected to overwork, drive themselves and drain their adrenal glands, to do household AND COMMUNITY work alongside any paid work they do.

Any system that profits off the adrenal glands and bone reserves of women’s bodies and health is unsustainable and cannot last. Citizens must be healthy for a system to survive. Until we reach a point of equity and return to sanity mothers must be very careful and very realistic about the amount of time and energy they actually have.

CHOOSE YOUR OWN STRUCTURE!

If you are a mother and you also have to work outside the home then the primary thing that needs to be taken care of is your ability to juggle two massive workloads. Anything that overwhelms you and puts your ability to earn and care for yourself and puts your family at risk CAN be dropped.

True spontaneity and joy is only possible in safety. Otherwise family lives are no different to the world of work.

Make your structure work for you.

Put in your OWN helpful structure that works for you at home.

Let the house be basically clean, not showroom tidy. Let your meals be microwaved, take out or whatever you can manage. You and your health cannot be compromised if you are to take care of your own family. Fit the task to the energy and time you have, don’t try and stretch your body and energy to the task.

Your life must be tailor made to work for YOU.

A family life that fits you will be a good family life. It will bring you and your children safety and peace.