Who told you what you could and couldn’t do?

DANGEROUS MESSAGES

If you  were shamed, put-down or ridiculed as a child when you tried to learn you learned to avoid learning.

Ridicule  makes learning feel unsafe. Once we have experienced learning as dangerous our capacity to become powerful is damaged.

“Stupid. Dumb. Retard.”  Some of us heard these words as we grew.  Maybe your report card read,  “Just doesn’t apply herself. ” “Tries hard but doesn’t have the capacity.”  “Lacks ability to….”  “Tries hard but can’t master….”

Maybe you got the other side of the coin, “Smartypants, Little Miss Know All Nothing,  Thinks she’s better than us.”

Or maybe you learned that women can be smart or sexy but not both. (If so, listen to Pink’s song, Stupid Girls: “I don’t wanna be no stupid girl!” as an antidote).

If you  were shamed, put-down or ridiculed as a child when you tried to learn you learned to avoid learning because ridicule  makes learning unsafe. Once we have experienced learning as dangerous we want to avoid it and thus our capacity to become powerful is damaged.

We do all sorts of things to avoid learning, some of them downright crazy!  We often try not to think about learning or to know everything before we learn.  We won’t let ourselves be learners AND we expect ourselves to know everything.  Isn’t this ridiculous?

In truth, life and all relationships, require ongoing learning.  Messages are embedded in all of our relationships in the interactions we have with each other.  These messages are there to ensure our success. We don’t have to guess or fake our way through! The relationships themselves can tell us what to do.  Unfortunately fear of learning and thinking we are dumb can cause us to ignore the messages.

ROCKY

Remember Rocky? Part of the appeal of Rocky I and II is the powerful man who has been told his whole life that he is dumb. He accepts this label even as he struggles against it, “I ain’t no puncho!” Our heart goes out to him when he tells his wife he hopes their baby is smart like she is, “Isn’t one dummy in the family enough?”  In the early movies he works hard at the few options given to him but is drained by the sheer burden of  physical hardship and work which he is told is the only option for a “dummy.”

Lack of dignity is the hardest weight he carries. He struggles to find dignity.  The instant some adult told Rocky the child he was dumb that weight was put onto his back.

Whoever thinks that these words don’t hurt a child is ignorant indeed. Today we have a whole range of “modern” words which essentially tell a child that he or she “can’t” learn and that the problem is in THEIR brain: Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Sequencing difficulty, Learning Disability, Lack of Working Memory function. etc. etc.

Refuse ignorant definitions. Define YOURSELF!

For most of us negative and shaming words are so deeply burned into us that when we approach a learning experience we want to avoid it and run away.  It is too dangerous for us to not know everything, and too painful to think of being a learner. In reality all learning requires that we go into the unknown. We can’t know everything when we begin.

What does this mean for mothers?

It means that, without permission to learn, mothers have to hold onto the small set of concepts gained from the culture or the past.

It means our only option is to implement them over and over, even if they don’t work.

This becomes grinding labour. All we can do is try the same thing again, trying harder and blaming ourselves.  Like Rocky who has to constantly clean up mess in the butchers or the gym, the work  is never-ending and thankless.

For first time mothers it means we feel shamed if we can’t do things perfectly even if we have never done it before and never seen anyone else do it either. We have to know what we don’t know!

This sets women up for failure, guilt, misery, sense of inferiority, anxiety and depression. It doesn’t work.

The Secret

In truth, all relationships require constant adjustment and ongoing learning if love is to grow. Being open to learning, from others, from our child and, most critically, from our experiences, is what enables us to succeed.  It is the Learning Mother who becomes the Powerful Mother.

The truth about mothering is that it is a relationship FIRST.  Like all other relationships, it is the relationship itself that tells us what is needed and gives us clues about what to do next.  The learning is embedded in the day-to-day interactions we have with each other. Our interactions are coded with information about what is really happening and, sometimes, even what to do next.  Once we know what is happening we can access  learning about what to do next even if we don’t know initially.

The main thing that blocks our success is when the learning part of our brain has been shut down. Ridiculous demands that we “know it all before we begin” and “do it perfectly the first time”  shut down our brains. Resist these idiotic ideas.

You are not dumb!

Whatever you were told, you are not dumb.  Whoever told you that was ignorant.

The more we understand about the brain the more we know this as a truth. Cutting edge brain science is helping us realize what a large percentage of     “learning disabilities” are actually the problem of the environment, not the child.  We now know that the classroom model (teacher out front talking and children kept immobile at their desks) is one of the worst possible learning environments.  The classroom itself makes it extremely difficult for the human brain. It literally blocks learning!

We also have the concept of the “Six hour Learning Disability.”

This refers to the concept that often children only exhibit  “Learning Disability” in the six hour period of school.  The rest of the time he or she is able to learn effortlessly (when it is a new Nintendo game), follows sequencing perfectly (when it is a soccer game) and has perfect working memory (when it is how many days, hours and minutes till he gets to go to his friends house). Further, such a child may have perfect spatial sequencing to track a fishing line cast and implement all of the complex movements to jag a trout.  In that situation he or she has no “sequencing disability.”

So how smart are you?

You can see how smart you are in the ways you learned to survive even when told you were dumb, disorganized, lazy or whatever.

It is your smart self that has got you to this place in your life.

It is your smart self that has kept you alive and built your life to this point.

It may not be where you want it to be yet but whatever you have built required some smarts.

The question is not, “Are you smart?” but “What do you want to learn next?”

Give yourself permission to get the information and knowledge that will make you feel more powerful and competent. That may be knowing the steps to successfully wean your breastfeeding baby, deal with your ex-partner, file your taxes, manage your budget or even set up your own company.

You only have to be a superhero for those you love.

For many of us, school wiped out our desire to learn. As powerful mothers we must claim it back!  We have to create an environment that is safe for our own learning. You have to make it safe for yourself to learn.

As you begin this process call on the strength and power within you that got you through all of the slurs and putdowns!

Rocky kept his strength and intelligence through being kind to others until it could serve him well. If you want to be safe make learning safe for you.

Refuse to accept labels of  “dumb” or “stupid” when you engage with something new.  Support yourself as you bumble around and you will be able to learn ANYTHING.

Put expectations of disappointment, failure and danger in the past where they belong.  They are past experiences they are not now. you can make learning safe for yourself.   Think about the possibility that you are smarter than you think you are.

It is the Learning Mother who becomes the Powerful Mother.

You can learn ANYTHING!