Elle’s parents were upset about the amount of time she spent on the Internet and that she was not doing “normal” social activities with her peers.

At 14 she was a softly spoken young woman who offered no resistance as her parents listed a litany of complaints against her.

Her mother declared her “abnormal” and her father stated strongly that if she persisted she would find herself kicked out of home where she would soon learn about “real life.”

Elle said nothing but the anxiety etched in her face spoke her own story.

Such scenarios always make me feel deeply sad.

Western parents who grew up in the last four prosperous decades can sometimes be out of touch with  harsher 21^st Century realities.

Those who know about the aggressive social world of the modern teen and the real costs of “moving out” (when even a room in a share house is $200 per week) are more careful with their words.

By speaking in this manner Elle’s parents increased her stress.

They took away what should have been her greatest refuge, the love of her family.

Unknowingly, they allied themselves with people who were harming their daughter and increased Elle’s sense that she was inferior.

It turned out that Elle was being bullied at school partly because she preferred to remain alone rather than be coerced into drinking and partying.

In effect she was making a strong, courageous lifestyle choice that her parents should have been celebrating. Even if she was not being bullied, having the courage to define herself at 14 rather than do what everyone else was doing is great!

Like many of her peers who don’t enjoy aggressive social Elle was connecting online. She was maintaining and developing her social capacity in a way that protected her from the high face-to-face pressure. She had deep, supportive conversations and connections with friends around the globe.

While adults may see these as “pseudo” relationships, we should be careful of this judgment.

How many of us had pen-pals while young? How many of us kept connection with family and friends through letters?

Elle  did not enjoy the extraverted, loud social which is dominant at the moment and was finding a way to continue her social development in a hostile environment.

We are humans living lives in times of great imbalance.

For many people much balance has been lost: work/family balance; work/rest balance, focus and recover balance, social and solitude balance, public and private balance.

Some teens are trying to regain this.

With some support, Elle’s parents were able to understand that the social, academic and work world their daughter faces is different to the one they faced.

They were once more able to see her strengths and to love her.

This led to them being able to give Elle space, support and respect: all key ingredients for successful transition to adulthood.

Photocredits: C. Depositphoto/piotr_marcinski; matusciac;monkeybusiness.