One of the first ways we know that our child is going through a developmental shift is that their tastes and preferences shift, often quite dramatically.

Sometimes it feels as if we put them to bed as one person and they woke up as someone else!

While it can be tempting to suspect aliens and/or red cordial, it is more likely that our child has simply moved to the next developmental level and their needs, tastes and preferences have changed.

The one year old who loved raspberry kisses while getting dressed and snuggling in our laps begins to struggle to get down or says, “Do it MYSELF!” when we try to help.

The 12 year old who used to hug us before school wants to be dropped at the corner and to arrive solo.

One part of us knows these transitions are natural and another part of us expected things to stay the same and is somewhat miffed!

If we are honest the old way might have worked perfectly well for US, thank you very much. We are tempted to try to force our child into doing what we want. As Comedienne Mindy Kaling says,

“I say…

if you love something,

set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.”

Many parents remember HATING  noisy game arcades when they were released. Once we acclimatized to the amount of fun our children had in such “dens of iniquity” we realized they were places we could have a great night of family fun with kids returning home in high spirits, arms laden with stuffed animals and tall tales of how they were won.

Having adjusted ourselves to the arcade it is easy to get miffed when the kids aren’t interested anymore and our announcement of a night out is met with grunts.

It is easy to get disappointed or to think our kids aren’t being “cooperative.”

It is helpful to know this is usually less about cooperation and more about transition.

Unfortunately, kids don’t come with a neon sign that lights up, “Warning! Transition has occurred!” and hence we are at high risk of bumbling into unnecessary conflict.

Nowhere is this more obvious than in the area of family holidays. The very same kids who loved to go to the beach with the cute old theme park  now give dramatic sighs when the holiday is announced and declare it,

“Bo-o-o-oring!”

Being “logical”, (resistant) adults, we often then enter into a pointless argument with our kids over whether or not it actually IS boring.

We would be FAR better off to say a big mental AHA! when we hear the trigger word “boring” and to grab our power.

Why?

Because, while occasionally the word “boring” means that our kids need some encouragement about the activity, it is, more often than not, a signal word.

“Boring” is code for, “I am different now and ready for something new.”

Being told something is “boring” informs us that our child is in a new developmental stage.

Maybe we have been busy lately and we didn’t see it coming…but once we hear “boring” word we can be on our toes and expecting new territory.

Having this information helps us to harness our energy productively.

Once we put aside our wishful thinking that they were as they used to be (or our shock) we are able to switch our focus to finding the new needs, preferences and enjoyment of our kids in a new stage.

The 12 year old who doesn’t want to share a sundae with you anymore may be quite happy to go to a movie. The 16 year old who now declares dinners at the steakhouse “boring” may be fascinated by a sushi train.

We will often find that the new “something” is far more up our alley than we could have anticipated!

We benefit and are opened up to new experiences as our children grow and explore.

When we try to integrate their new needs and preferences, as much as we can, we set them free to truly become themselves.

We show them they won’t lose our love as they change and grow.

The “new” person our child has become can delight and surprise us in ways we could not have imagined.

There is always more ahead.

With care,

Dr. T.

Photo Credits (in order): c. Depositphotos/AlexKosov; Ninilkime; Adrenalina.