Be careful what you order!

We would rarely accept a demon as a side order for something we want but sometimes that is exactly what we order.  I recently attended the Birthday of a young friend and found myself surrounded by MANY beautiful young 20 somethings!

Coming from an era where grooming was constituted by nail polish and a lick of hairspray I found myself slightly in awe of the perfect Princesses in the room. From flawless makeup, to hair extensions and well toned abs, these young ones had it all. I joined one group in the midst of heated debate about whether tri-athalons were better for fitness than marathons.  For a good hour we enjoyed conversations about their fitness regimes  from Bikram yoga and kick boxing to speed cycling and kite surfing. Our talk was interrupted by the birthday song and cake. The cake was delicious and we each had a large slice before drifting off.

The night took on a different hue when I walked past the bathroom and heard someone forcing themselves to gag and vomit. It was one of the fitness group.  About ten minutes later another person was in the stall throwing up.  One of the beautiful young 20 somethings emerged and did a tooth brushing and cleansing ritual which took her over ten minutes.  It was a sad reminder that the self re-asserts its strength in dysfunctional ways when it is forced to conform at the cost of the inner world.

I am not saying that healthy eating or athletic activity are wrong but that whatever we do externally must not be done at the cost of the inner world. The willingness to force external perfection despite the cost to the self has its own price.  Today’s focus on perfection in the “external appearance” of self, home, family and life has come at the cost of deeper knowing.

Doing the best we can with what we have is honourable.

We used to respect people doing the best they could with the resources they had but in the 21st Century there is no such slack.  In our Brave New World only external perfection is respected and people feel free to not only judge harshly but to socially attack anyone who doesn’t meet the standard of the top ten percent. We have forgotten that everyone’s life is not the same and that some peoples’ lives are hard.

In such a time it is tempting to force the self to exhibit external perfection to gain acceptance and be free from harassment.  We need to remember that while we can force the self, if the  internal structures are not in place we may pay a high internal price.

When we override our own limits and boundaries much damage can be done. We may find that we have external conformity but with a side-order of “demon.” The child who is forced into endless activities despite exhibiting stress may develop tics, bang their head, pull their hair or engage in repetitive soothing rituals.  The teen may act out or cut or binge or purge. There are no shortcuts to wholeness.

When the self is forced harshly to conform to the outer world with no care for the inner world it can rebound with compulsions which re-assert its centrality.  We soon learn that the self is powerful and has its own tools for asserting choice! When we override what is sustainable for the self  the psyche may introduce a compulsion, a phobia or a fear. This leaves a permanent marker of where the boundary has been over-ridden.

If you have had a less than perfect life, and particularly if you sustained inner damage in childhood, you can do a lot of damage to yourself if you force yourself past what is sustainable for you. Only health is truly sustainable. Similarly if we respect a child’s stress boundaries we will concentrate on soothing and building their internal world rather than forcing the external. The child’s capacity will then gently, gently expand.

Remember your own life limits and measurement.

While it can be tempting to keep up the external facade, ignoring the inner cost, eventually this erodes our capacity for peace, happiness. Sometimes we even lose our capacity to hold onto what we have gained externally.

If instead, we nurture the inner world we, gradually, become able to do more and more in the external world.

It is a waste of time to compare oneself to others who have been nurtured and insist that we “keep up”with them despite the cost to us. The young women who were vomiting were not enjoying “good health” regardless of their physical fitness.

Here are 5Rs to assist you to expand your external capacity without damaging your inner world:

1. RESPECT YOURSELF: All humans are worthy of love and acceptance AS THEY ARE. Self-respect is the strong foundation upon which all sustainable growth occurs.
2. REPEL OPINIONS: Don’t absorb harsh opinions, criticisms and external judgments made by others. Respect your own individual life and path. Remember every step you have taken in your moccasins and show yourself respect.
3. REALITIES: Focus on sustainable goals for yourself made in the framework of your real life limits and situation. Focus on the priorities in your REAL world, not the imagined world of others’ judgments.
4. REGAIN PEACE: Focus on making your inner world a safe, gentler space where you honour yourself and appreciate the efforts you make.
5. RECOVER POWERFULLY: Respect your inner world wounds and treat them with care. This will enable you to make small adjustments that don’t rebound on you.  When you begin to make movements in the realistic context of what is possible for you your capacity will expand powerfully.

Do the same for your children.

Just for today only do what you CAN do. Don’t force yourself or your child to keep up with others. Instead, take care of and cultivate your inner world and that of your child.

When you achieve your goal there will be no side-order of demon, just extra strength and power.

Enjoy!

Dr. T.

Photo Credit: Demon Photo © Depositphotos.com/Krill Kedrinskiy, Woman in kitchen and Measuring tape from www.imagebase,net