ON GUARD!

Cassandra had two adorable children, Mark (4) and Antonia (2). She came to see me because, in her extended family, the children were expected to regularly spend a weekend with the Grandparents.

Her Mother-in-Law had established this norm early with other members of the family and she was not impressed that Cassandra’s children did not want to sleep over. They were happy to spend the day with their cousins but wanted to return home by evening.

Cassandra’s Mother-in-Law told her angrily that her children were clearly “too” attached to her, she was ruining them and they would have great difficulties later in life with coping!

Furthermore, she told Cassandra that she was destroying the children’s future. All of the other cousins were enrolled from an early age in academic advancement, music and sport classes to ensure their success.

The Mother-in-Law, in over an hour of angry tirade, told Cassandra that if she didn’t toughen up terrible things would happen to her children.

I hate dire fortune telling. I hate it when older mothers scare younger mothers and mainly, I hate fortune telling based on bunkum.

Anytime someone tells you your children are “too” anything that person probably has their own agenda and not one that is in your best interest.

The language of “Too” sensitive, “too” creative, “too” talkative, should raise your alert! You are under attack. Defend yourself!

Cassandra’s Mother-in-Law had an agenda of her own and it wasn’t about what was best for Mark and Antonia!

Cassandra’s role was to protect herself as a Mother and to protect her children on the basis of her own deep knowing of them as individuals and their needs.

Cassandra needed to follow her own wisdom with her children. Her parenting was based on a strong, kind approach which was enabling great neurological development and safety for her children.

If you have ever been in a culture where the norm is for all adults to treat children with kindness and care then you know the great strength of this position.

Think of all the pictures you see of children in villages and remote areas.
Children are friendly, happy, relaxed, curious and intelligent. Unharmed.

We have come to a strange place in the 21st Century in Anglo countries where we see force and hardness as valuable tools for training children.

In the West we have even reached the point where treating children with kindness is treated with suspicion.

Harshness is such a norm others feel free to publicly impose their ideas on you.

Other adults even feel free to publicly reprimand you! They may intervene, chastise and give you their own dire warnings if you are gentle with your children, “He’ll never learn!” “She’ll never cope/manage/learn…”

The social NORM is to encourage parents to coerce and force their children to conform to others’ expectations, regardless of their individuality or what is best for them.

Resist this dangerous norm. You, and your child, will live with the internal damage perpetrated by harsh, overly demanding standards enacted too early.

If you are being told your child is “too”…sensitive, active, quiet, day-dreamy….RESIST!

One area where parents are increasingly being placed under pressure to coerce their children is in the domain of Homework.

Next week I will talk about some ways to handle the pressure of the new Curriculum positively and protectively.

Have a gentle week.

With care,

Dr. T.

NB: I have written something about the parental responsibility to protect the child’s developing and tender self here https://www.powerfulmother.com/defend/defend-protecting-matters/

And a Pinterest board on the topic here: http://www.pinterest.com/powerful4kids/

Photos (in order): c.Depositphotos/VBaleha;ronjoe;photographer33.