Dangerous Spaces?

I was recently on vacation. Over several days, from a floor high above the hotel pool, I saw many different ways of keeping children safe around water. There were two examples which highlight the cultural rules which make it so hard for western mothers to relax.

The first example was a mother whose child (approx 18 months) ran out of the lobby to try to jump into the pool fully clothed.

Strong temptation….

She physically restrained him and later returned to the pool with him in a bathing suit.

Several hours of exhausting work followed for this young mother as she tried to coax him into the water when she was there to catch him and/or prevent him from jumping into the water (by himself) when she was out of the pool.

He resisted both alternatives vigorously.

After several hours the young mother was exhausted by the trips in and out of the water trying to deal with his opposing needs.

How many of us have similar memories?

The second example was a young island boy of about 18 months who was playing at the pool with his 3 older siblings or cousins.

The oldest girl looked to be about 7 or 8, the others 5 or 6 years old. There were no adults in sight. The little boy had been equipped with a floatation vest and arm floats and he happily went up and down the steps unaided and for short paddles as he wished. His cousins were on hand if he needed them and they kept an eye on him without their play being disrupted. Several times he got out of the pool and sat on the edge of the ocean lagoon, swinging his feet over the side. The older girl watched but said nothing.

Safe siblings giving care.

Consequently all four children played happily and safely for over 6 hours!!!

The little island boy had a whole day playing with his siblings or cousins in ways that fully supported his autonomy, his strength and his safety.

The older children had years of safe care from their older cousins absorbed into their consciousness as strong learning patterns.

These patterns gave the children, even at 5 & 6,  a well developed decision matrix to help them know what to do, when and how.

These small children had been strengthened by extended family care  that supported their autonomy.

PLEASE NOTE I am not suggesting that small children be left alone unsupervised with just floatation devices to keep them safe. NOR am I suggesting that small children be left in the care of siblings who have no experience of safely monitoring small children without controlling or harming them.Western children with none of these care skills must not be left in charge of other children lest harm ensue.

In contrast the young white mother had to remain in physical contact with her child at all times.

He spent most of his time fighting and resisting her – alternating between his desire to be in the pool and his terror of being in the water by himself – trapped between his healthy desire for autonomy and his real need for support.

The poor mother was exhausted. Please note that she was not doing anything wrong but that the task she faced was based on rules for both mother and child that do not work.

Vigilant Care

The cultural mandate that mothers must always be in physical contact and control of their children is exhausting and contradictory for both mother and child.

The child does not get the safe autonomy they need to develop and the mother is exhausted by the never ending task of control.

Being raised in a culture where mothers are blamed for anything that goes wrong with children a young mother feels huge pressure to make sure this never, ever happens.

To be a “good mother” in our culture she has to control all of her children’s behaviours at all times.

The young mother, abiding by these rules, had only one way of keeping her child safe which was by keeping physical hold on him, either with her hand at the back of his shirt or holding him up in the water. He resisted. She was exhausted.

Had she put floatation devices on her child and watched him while she relaxed on a nearby lounge both she and her child would have been renewed and refreshed.

She may have, initially, had to help him explore safe autonomy.

She would probably have been judged by other families for letting her child play alone and maybe verbally criticized.

However, after several hours she would have taken a weary, happy, well-exercised child back to the hotel room ready for a sleep. Rather than exhausted she herself would have been rested by mothering in a way that was humane and sustainable.

c.Depositphoto/lanakhvorostova

There are many areas where the social expectations of mothers create an inhumane workload as well as endless, unwinnable, tug-of-war between mother and child.

Cultural rules are made to help the culture, not mothers and children.

Anyone who has chased an angry, frustrated toddler around a pool for half a day understands this.

This is why it is so important that women begin to reshape the culture by creating their own humane rules for themselves and their family lives.

Certainly we must keep children safe but this must happen in ways that are humane for the mother and child, not in ways that are impossible, exhausting and absurd but which may grant us approval from a stranger!

Our first purpose as mothers is not to make other adults comfortable.

At the bottom of it all, the source of much damage to mother and child, are cultural rules which demand that mothers control children in impossible ways. These cultural rules weaken both mother and child.

The mother feels helpless and powerless because she cannot succeed in the impossible task of gaining full control.

The child is weakened because he or she is not able to develop their own autonomy and trust in their own curiosity and exploration.

If you find that these power struggles are damaging your relationship with your child then write yourself some more humane rules.

Do you know the difference between feeling controlled and feeling free and happy?Then you know enough!  You don’t know everything but you DO know enough.

Ask yourself about the problem causing the power struggle: Is it absolutely necessary for this rule to be enforced NOW, today? this time? Is this best for me? For my child?

Make today a sustainable, humane, gentle day for yourself as a mother and for your child as a learning person. That will be a good beginning.

Choose rules that work for you and your child. This winning pattern of today will NOT ONLY give you the today you want BUT ALSO the future of a family life you love!

You can relax. If it works, it works.

With care, Dr. T.