Mothers often struggle with the sense that they have lost their sense of self.  That they have lost themselves.  The many roles women take, the sheer workload of mothering and its ongoing tasks in a modern demanding world can slowly erode sense of self if we aren’t very, very careful.   A common mistake we can make is to put all of our antennae outside of ourselves to figure out what is needed “out there” (for children, partners, others) and not to leave any running inside of us to check what is happening.  Without this monitoring our sense of self may starve, crash, burn or become very depleted before we notice.

 

This can be very painful. In fact, if you have lost your sense of self (your very own personal “SOS”!) you may feel like you have a constant toothache; a hollow sense of pain and misery that is sharp and never-ending within you. This pain makes you feel frustrated, despairing and disoriented. You have no sense of doing anything well and, if you do something well you really can’t feel it.

 

 

The first way to find out if you have lost your sense of self is to stop and check in with your inner self.  Are you feeling miserable? Cold? Lonely? Frightened? Empty? Hollow?

 

If so you might have forgotten your sense of self.

 

 

 

In addition, if the sense of self is being regularly harmed by another person it typically withdraws and becomes faint. If you are in an abusive relationship or are ‘close’ to someone who is cruel then your sense of self is getting harmed regularly.  While this situation in not easily changed it can be done. Beginning to recover your sense of self even in a bad situation strengthens you for the necessary next steps.  (I will be covering this with my A-list email. Be sure to sign up on the bottom left of the front page!).

 

Just for today we want to look at how to relocate the sense of self when we can no longer feel it.  Usually the self responds with one of these three tactics when it is forgotten, neglected or harmed.

1. The Rebel: Goes AWOL (Absent without Authorized Leave)
2. The Child: Gets frightened and hides.
3. The Disconnected Self: Gets buried deep underneath and is hard to hear.

 

HOW TO GET YOUR SENSE OF SELF BACK

1. REBUILD RELATIONSHIP WITH THE REBELLING SENSE OF SELF:

AWOL is quite a healthy position in some ways. It means your sense of self is strong enough for your inner SOS to get mad at you when you don’t take adequate care of you. The sense of self gets tired of talking and being ignored, dismissed or not heard. Like any good rebel it eventually says, “Forget you! I am going on leave. Let’s see how well you do without me!”

The answer, of course, is not very well at all. Now, dealing with an upset rebel is one thing, but once they have left and moved onto the streets we have to coax that angry part of ourselves to come home. This requires patience. We have to convince ourselves that we will do better from now on and we have to mean it.

 

Action is what counts when the inner rebel has taken a stance. You have to rebuild trust by treating yourself better continuously. This might take a while so you have to be willing to do this day-after-day until the rebel decides she can trust you again.  Tip: This won’t be when YOU think the rebel should trust you.

 

Beware making commitments and resolutions and not making a real change in how you treat yourself!  The inner rebel is revved to run and hates empty promises. You only have to break one and your rebel is back on the streets.

 

In other words, being nice to yourself for five minutes in the morning is a start but if you ignore yourself for the rest of the day it is still talk and no action. Your inner rebel will simply flip you a finger and refuse to get back in the car.

 

2. PROTECT THE FRIGHTENED SENSE OF SELF:

Sometimes the inner sense of self gets frightened at how angry we are at ourselves. It gets tired of hearing, “You are so stupid! Why can’t you get it right! I hate you!” and so, like a very smart two year old, it hides somewhere we won’t look and then covers its ears to our shouts, threats and bullying.

 

 

It is no use threatening! You have to cajole the frightened inner self kindly and gently.   It can smell a bully a mile off and, once bitten, is twice shy. Again, you have to follow through. You can’t afford to lose your temper with yourself if you don’t want that empty, frightened space inside you. Being patient and kind to yourself, no matter what, is the key to getting the hiding self to come back out and begin to trust you again.

 

If someone else is being cruel you must take an actively strong internal stance of refusing to listen to what is being said.  The saying, “Let it roll off you like water off a duck’s back” is very important here. You might want to hum in your head to ignore someone’s negative comments or actively disagree in your mind. Just do NOT give the negativity attention so that you absorb the toxic messages like a sponge!

 

Hostility and cruelty are always wrong. Always be sure to have a  barrier between someone else’s negative opinion (it is, after all, only an opinion) and your precious self. This begins to protect the frightened self and rebuild the sense of safety and trust that allows the hiding self to re-emerge.

 

 

3. SEARCH FOR THE BURIED SENSE OF SELF:

If it has been a long time since you had any sense of self you may feel totally disconnected. This can be reflected in comments like, “I don’t know who I am, I don’t know what I want,” “Nothing makes me happy” or “Maybe there is nothing in there.”

 

All that means is that you have ignored yourself for so long that your sense of self is buried under many layers. You have to do the kind of careful excavation and listening that recovery workers do searching for people under the rubble after an earthquake. Listen for the quiet tapping of your desires buried below, “I wish I could be….”, “I wish…” These are the faint messages being sent from your inner self.

 

If the message is, “I wish I could be a pilot” and you work as an accountant, you may need some broader horizons. You can’t be a pilot in five minutes but you can pay attention to the faint message that you need some wider spaces and take yourself to a mountain top on the weekend. This response will at least tell your inner self it has been heard and you are following sounds in order to find it!

 

Once you have gotten the microphone down through the rubble and responded properly just one time the direction messages will get stronger. Each time you respond you will find the messages easier and easier to hear until finally you are fully re-connected with your SOS.

 

At the same time you are listening for messages you want to be clearing away whatever has made you feel so buried. To do this you have to pay attention to what buries you.  Have you become a slave to your house? Are you trying to keep up with the Joneses? Are you trying to be accepted by a group at the expense of your sense of self? Are you in a bad relationship? What is making you feel stifled and buried?

 

Once you identify what is stifling you the next step is somewhat easier.

 

Bring in the “rebel” part of you. SHE will help you stop burying yourself and in no uncertain terms will instruct you. “Spend less time with that gossipy group that makes you feel bad! Leave the cleaning! Do something you used to enjoy! Say no to the invitation to a new committee!”

Trust her….Your inner rebel will be spot on. She can show you the way and won’t be apologetic about it either!

 

4. HOLD ONTO YOUR SENSE OF SELF: STAY FOUND!

 

Once you get your inner sense of self back be sure to pay attention, to keep listening and responding.

 

If you get your sense of self back and then ignore it or mistreat yourself again you will find yourself not only with a toothache but with the need for a root canal.   The pain will be instant, sharp, and designed to get YOU to do an immediate U turn! This is a good thing. The inner self is inherently healthy. Having had a breath of oxygen and freedom, it won’t go down quietly!

 

 

If you make a mistake and go back to ignoring your SOS it will send out enough pain to remind you what doesn’t work and feels awful! This is to help you become clear about what works and feels good. The self wants to be free and happy. You can responsibly mother AND keep your sense of self alive.

 

Einstein said that the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over and expecting to get a different result! If ignoring or mistreating your SOS has hurt you for the past 10 years of your life it will hurt you for the next 10! Why not try something new?

 

Once you have been different to yourself and had a good result just keep reminding yourself to choose what works and enlivens you rather than what buries you! Pay attention to your precious sense of self. You will never regret it!

Photos after Signs © Depositphotos.com/Mother and baby monkeybusiness; Rebel bloodua;Hiding Child photshkolnik; rubble fashionstock;Red haired girl matusciak.