“Mother eaten alive by endless tasks!” could be a news headline any day of the week in the 21st Century.  Historical analysis will certainly reflect on the frantic nature of our time and on the damage manic living did to mothers and small children.    Unfortunately, just as no-one remembers the mass of Victorian women bedridden for their pregnancies, knocked out for their children’s births, routine sufferers of nerves, hysteria and fainting ( all considered normal for women at that time), no-one will remember the countless women and children who suffered mental health issues as a result of unsustainable 21st century demands.  Don’t become another faceless victim in the casualties of 21st Century mania!  Mothers are particularly vulnerable to being consumed because many of their usual work tasks are already never ending: food preparation, washing clothes, school drop offs and pick ups, children’s activities, housecleaning etc before you add endless demands for texts, emails, play-dates and social activities.

How can one survive the carousel of never ending demands without being eaten alive?

Woman: Prone to fits, faints and hysteria.

There are three vows which can keep women safe and two safety practices which never fail.

The two safety practices are:

1. Box and contain ANY task that is endless. Never, ever, ever do it endlessly and on demand, EVER!

Give any “never-ending tasks” a window of time during your day or week. Do them during this time and when the time is gone don’t touch them, think of them, pick them up or do them any more until the next assigned time slot.

Mobiles can be turned on for half an hour late in the day or only a couple of days in the week. Friends who text all the time can be told that you don’t open your phone all the time or that you only respond on a Monday!  Emails can be checked weekly rather than daily. Toys can be tidied in the last half hour of the day rather than all day long. Food can be cooked on Tuesdays and Fridays… you get the drift. Even friends may need to be boxed. Don’t allow yourself to be “on call” for activities and demands of others or you will find yourself hurried and harried.

Wash Day Blues

Remember when everybody mowed their lawns on a Sunday afternoon? Remember the old copper being brought out on a Monday? All of the clothes were boiled and washed on that day. That was the only day it was done and everyone knew they had to get by with that clothing for the rest of the week. They adjusted themselves to fit the reality they faced. Imagine if washing was done by EVERYONE in your community only once per week. That would relieve you of  the sense that there is always laundry to do and you need to keep doing it!   Luckily you can relieve yourself. Set your own frames for when you do particular tasks and then let them go until that time.

Here’s a technique for boxing: Grab a pencil and paper and put 7 boxes for the 7 days of the week.  Take the endless tasks that drive you nuts and make some boxes of time for them (preferably only 2 or 3 boxes in the week). Only tackle these tasks in these box times.  This way you won’t be pushed around by the sense of endless chores. There is a reason an endless task was a curse for Sisyphus. Endless tasks grind the sense of joyful living out of us and our family lives.

2. Prioritize your OWN time for fun and joy. 

Take that same pencil and paper and put AT LEAST two slots in the week that are your “Gee its great to be alive” slots. These slots are for you do to whatever tickles your fancy. If you like to eat hot fudge sundaes and roller blade in the central mall this is your time. These are not times to spend with others, they are times for you to enjoy life, to do something that brings you joy and pleasure. Walking in the park. Watching a DVD. Doing cross-stitch. Whatever floats your boat.

Let me out man!

Even prisoners get rest and recreation time! Mothers need it too.Just because you are a mother doesn’t mean that you no longer need fun, joy and relaxation. Take a break. Make those two slots in the week sacred and let neither hell nor high water take them from you! In an extreme emergency (child breaks arm for instance) you may need to move your time to another day but never, ever go even one week without having some rest and recreation for yourself.

When Janice came to see me she no longer wanted to get out of bed. Against her wishes she had been given a Caesarean section, and life had spiralled down from that point.  18 months later she felt overwhelmed by the responsibility of taking care of her small daughter and by the endless every day tasks that had to be done. When I asked her about having an afternoon off she shook her head firmly, “I couldn’t. I would feel too guilty!” When I asked her what things she did that gave her pleasure she responded, “Nothing.”

When I asked her just to try to think of something that she might enjoy she looked at me blankly. Eventually we went back to when she was 10 and 11 and talked about things she used to love. From this we worked out that she used to love horse riding but had given it up long ago.  It took several more sessions to convince Amelia that the endless tasks could wait and she could take one afternoon to at least go to a nearby stables and see the horses. She returned ecstatic. Her sense of life and possibility had re-awoken. Once she had broken the shackles of endless repetitious tasks and realized that, even as a new mother, she could have rest, recreation and enjoyment she began to recover and be able to enjoy her new life as a mother.

Remembered freedom.

Resist external standards.

If you are a mother and you have to work outside the home as well then the primary thing that needs to be taken care of is your ability to juggle two massive workloads.  Anything that drives you and causes you to have to do too much puts your ability to care for yourself and your family at risk.  In the 21st century women are expected to overwork, drive themselves and drain their adrenal glands, in order to carry the majority of the household work alongside any paid work they do.  Any system that profits off the adrenal glands and bone reserves of women’s bodies and health is unsustainable and cannot last. Citizens must be healthy for a system to survive. Until we reach a point of equity and return to sanity be very realistic about the time and energy that you have.

Take care of your own health first. Don’t allow yourself to be drained and depleted. Whatever you must do cut the task down so that it fits the energy you have, don’t try to expand your energy to fit a task.

Put in your OWN helpful structure that works for you in coping with demands. You cannot live a life based on others’ expectations and ideas about how a family should run. Your life must be tailor made to work for YOU. A family life that fits you will be a comfortable family life.

In the 21st century women must remain in an active position of choosing their own life, what they won’t do, what they will do and WHEN they will do it. Such women will maintain not only their own mental health but also that of their children. These women are the prototype of the future.

Get out of that cage!

Refuse to be eaten alive by endless tasks! Get out of that cage!