Here is Gail’s story: “The kids next door are always in my house. They are mean to my youngest boy and won’t let him join the games. This results in constant fights and tears. My neighbour spends a lot of time on the internet and the kids just drift over. She also sends them when she wants to go to the shops or meet with a friend for coffee. Sometimes she is working. I am dealing with crying kids and fights every day. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be mean to the neighbours kids but the constant stress is wearing me down.” It is a common story.

Protect What You Can.

In the 21st century having some peace in your home is a much about knowing how to defend it from external invasion as it is about the nurturing and love you provide within your own walls.

Caring mothers often find their homes and care exploited for the advantage of others who either are not prepared to do their own mothering work OR maintain no sense of reciprocity (the idea that I must give back at least as much as I take).

In extreme instances people who don’t value concepts of care, fairness and gentleness may feel quite entitled to bully, intimidate and invade the home of a nurturing mother.

Often such Mothers feel absolutely entitled to have their own needs as primary and will use excuses like,

Beware Narcissists!

“You are looking after your own kids anyway so what’s a couple more?” and casually throw out, “You don’t mind do you?” as they waltz out the door. At other times they may be very distressed and tell you that you HAVE to help because they need it so badly.

What is important to note is that their main focus is having their own needs served. You must maintain consciousness that your first task is always the care of your own self, children and family.

Caring mothers can make the lethal mistake of assuming that ALL mothers share their values and care. They are ignoring the modern scourge where dominance and aggression have become socially acceptable ways of getting from others.

Also while narcissism is pervasive in the western world, it is still a form of craziness, “I matter more than anyone else and everyone else must give me what I want or else I am entitled to be nasty, vindictive, and punitive to you if I wish.” It is very IMPORTANT that you don’t collude with this delusion!

You will find yourself drained, your children distressed and displaying anxiety and others using your precious home and family life as though it were a MacDonald’s drive through! RESIST!

HERE IS A SHORT SOLUTION:

Some of the steps are hard but it is short term pain for long term gain.

It doesn’t have to be a perfect boundary…just strong!

1. Set up a STRONG BOUNDARY that allows much LESS interaction time that you are comfortable giving.

IF you think you could stand 3 play days a week, cut it to one. This is a critical step! Cutting it back more than you would like is to retrain YOU, not them.

Now, advise the children and the mother that they can play Wednesday (or a day and time convenient to you) and set a time limit ie: 3.30-5.30.

Holidays enforce breaks gently

2. GO AWAY!

IF possible implement this idea just before you go away for a holiday so the kids get used to less contact naturally.

IF NOT you need to plan to be away from home after school and a good portion of the day on the weekends for at least TWO WEEKS.

Remind yourself this is a temporary price for a long term benefit.

3. REINFORCE THE NEW BOUNDARY.

If the children come at another time remind them of the assigned play time and kindly and firmly send them home (even if both they and YOUR children are wailing).  Again steel yourself. You are fulfilling an important part of your protective role as a mother.

4. BE PRACTICAL.

You must be the one to answer the door, not the children.

If you have a doorbell on your door you might need to disconnect it for a week or so.

Help your children engage with new activities and friends.

Have your children play in the backyard, not the front etc. Bring your kids IN if necessary.

BE PREPARED to put up with their complaints. Again, remind yourself you are paying a short term price for peace in your home and family.

5. EXPECT RETRIBUTION.

Be prepared to be calm and firm when your neighbour attacks you or complains. Who you have in your home is YOUR decision. Other people’s childcare needs are their responsibility not yours.

Focus on having your own home and peace.

6. STAY CALM AND SUPPORTIVE OF YOUR DECISION.

Be careful not to frighten yourself too much. YOU are not losing anything, you are gaining peace. You may need to make new, fairer friends or to suffer the misfortune of being gossiped about for a bit. Don’t pay too much attention to this.

Focus on getting what you want – your own home and space.

6. HOLD THE BOUNDARY.

Find new friends. Stay firm on play times until ALL of the children learn that you will not be bullied or intimidated into giving in. Even then be very careful to maintain control over when play occurs and to enforce rules that make play safe for everyone.

Again, remind yourself that you are not losing anything, you are RE-GAINING the benefits of your own mothering.

Peace is not just the good that we do it is also the absence of violence. Violence destroys peace.   We have to block invasion, aggression and exploitation if we are to have peace in our own homes and lives.

In the 21st Century we need a good sword arm as well as a strong heart to protect our own peace and that of children.

Photos: P.D. Corning